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A Rocky Road

Rocky Road is my favorite ice cream.

Y’know, even in light of the bumps and potholes (er, um, almonds and stuff).

As a matter of fact, the “Rocky” part is the best thing about it.

It brings dullness out of the monotony of regular old chocolate ice cream (a classic that I always go back to).

In life (and especially in relationships, I’ve come to learn), there are bumps and really hard stretches, and then sometimes it eases up. And this happens over and over and over again.

Just like eating Rocky Road.

And that’s how my relationship has been. It was really good at first. Classic, even. Chocolate. And then someone threw some almonds in, along with some sticky mallows.

We tried an open relationship on the premise that it would help us. It didn’t.

At first I crunched on through okay.

And then I started pretending like I was crunching on through okay, but there were too many almonds and marshmallows, and the smooth chocolate seemed outweighed. There was too much going on for me to understand.

I bit off way more than I could chew (yeah, I bite my ice cream). Contrary to our intent, the open relationship made it way worse, on his end and mine.

Who made this ice cream? This fucking sucks.

As it turns out, I was the one who made the ice cream. After all, I was the one who had allowed this all to happen, so it was all my fault in my mind.

And I was so ashamed that I tried to run, once, twice, three times.

Oh, and did I mention I tried to run yet again?

Instead of solving the problems I had caused, I tried leaving them. Four times.

And this made me feel even worse, like I was quitting. Especially considering the fact that I would be quitting on the most important thing in my life – the one thing that has always meant the most to me: love.

I have to be honest, I would be heavily disappointed if the person who made Rocky Road just kinda stopped because they messed up once or twice or three times.

So after moving the majority of my stuff out and running to my grandma all pale faced and red eyed, I talked to her and made a discovery.

Everyone has problems, and if you love someone, you learn from your mistakes and you learn to forgive – not only them, but yourself, too.

And it may take some time – after all, all good things do.

Happiness is where you find it, and it is in your mindset.

Even when we stopped the open relationship, for months on end I was on the edge of my insecurity and exhaustion – completely overlooking how much better things had been as of late.

I was completely stuck in the past, 100% not myself, and feeling terribly, well… terrible.

It was like talking to my grandma flipped a switch in my brain and made me feel the here, and the now, the way I used to.

And then I came running back, because in the end, I know no one will love me the way he does, and I could never love someone else again. Naysayers will tell you differently, but love lasts. If anything you feel is real, it won’t ever really ever go away.

And you have to learn to love the bumps in the road – like in Rocky Road, or on a road trip with potholes, or biking a mountain trail, or anything like that – the changes are what keep you growing, and changing, and loving what you do.

And no one is going to feel as warm as he does in the mornings, no one is going to freeze when he looks at me or cry when I try to leave, or bring me flowers, and lunch, and clean my car, and the house, and help with errands, and give me massages…

I don’t know, I don’t think anyone would go the extent he would for me. After trying to leave four times, he kept trying and trying and trying, and he didn’t give up.

And in that sense, even though I really like myself, too, I really wish I was more like him.

I’ve given up on everything so far. I have no special remarks or accolades or trophies or awards. I left school. I quit boxing. I did all these things and left them behind.

I guess I’m good at running away, but I don’t want to run away this time.

And I guess it took running away to actually realize that I didn’t want to leave behind late night trips for ice cream, or striving to reach goals in tandem with the person I love most, or the almonds and mallows in the chocolate.

I want to keep all those things. And I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused.

“So if you find someone who loves you, keep being with them, man.

 

 

To: Mitch.

Thank you for everything. I could not love anything more than I love you.

 

 

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3 thoughts on “A Rocky Road”

  1. hey chloe! i read this entry and tbh it (and a lot of other things) made me want to start a blog. i just thought i’d let you know. also wanna be friends?

    Like

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