I just had a very interesting meditation.
I began innately perturbed. For days, I’ve been exhausted. My brain won’t quiet down. I’m anticipating a move that probably won’t happen for a long time. I need to get my wisdom teeth out. I need to start eating right again. I shouldn’t have taken on a part time job, I don’t have time to cook good dinners or go to the gym. No, wait… I don’t make time. And I don’t make time to write. Or meditate. Or do yoga, the way I should and the way I would like to do.
I know these things are all my fault which makes it worse.
I wonder whether I’m the girl my boyfriend wants. Although I am relaxed and less jumbled, I am still wondering this. I’m typing this, and he’s sitting alone on the couch. But when I’m on the couch with him, I’m wishing always that I was up and doing something. I haven’t been enjoying my little moments. I’ve been detached.
Anyway, I think you get the point. I was dragging myself into a hole, all week.
It’s been awhile since I’ve felt this way.
So I took 10 minutes out of my day to play the Meditation Game and use Headspace to guide me into chillin’ out a little bit. I can’t believe how I feel now.
I began my meditation and faded in and out of attention to my breath.
I was swimming around in my mind. It was almost like the scenes in Stranger Things, where Eleven enters the dark space, tapping around in a small pool of water.
My mind wandered, as it always does, and as any mind would. It is in the nature of the mind to be curious.
When it wandered, it was a peaceful meandering through both the soft wheat and crab grass in the unkempt trail of my soul.
In rain and in sun, I did not sing, I watched.
In paper cuts and gentle touches, I did not suffer, and I did not turn my head in gentle approval and coaxing. I watched.
And when it was attentive to my breath, I closed my eyes. I did not fall silent, for I already once. But I fell still.
No longer swimming, I was floating. Maybe it’s all in my head, I don’t know. Beforehand, though, I was watching a Joe Rogan Experience podcast where Joe talks about his sensory deprivation tank. Maybe that’s it. Or maybe it’s because I already felt somewhat like Eleven in Stranger Things. I might never know.
Regardless, I floated. I rose with my chest with the in-breaths and felt the weight of myself on the floor with the out-breaths.
I felt my weight without feeling heavy. I feel that now. It’s very settling.
I opened my eyes on my own time. It was almost as though I let my body do it for itself, I didn’t have to try, or plan the moment, or think too hard. I just let it happen.
Maybe that’s the secret.
Let our eyes open on their own terms, not the terms established by our minds.
As a matter of fact, perhaps our minds are all wrong, and too conditioned to think too much and make such a big deal out of little things. And maybe when this happens, we should let our heart do the heavy lifting. And maybe we should just let our body follow.